HIATUS

I missed yesterday cos it all went wrong and I was sad but I think just for this spring awakening week I will put this blog on hiatus because I can't cope sorry back after this week for some super depressed show finished emo shit

DAY 48

Ok I know I missed one I was confused and I should've dealt with it today but I've been off sick because this week is show week and im desparate to be healthy. We did it with costumes and the band yesterday and I think it's gonna be really good. I finally got my solo right and things feel good. The cast is so warm and I love it all so much when it ends I'm gonna crumble I swear Jesus fucking Christ why do I ever get attached to anything. Fuck.

DAY 47

There was ridiculous thunder tonight and I think it's cos god was angry about the themes af arranged marriage, traditional gender roles and animal cruelty that were so heavily glamorised in the John Lewis penguin advert

DAY 46

I have literally or at least almost literally woken up just to write the fact I have just woken up to write this and have nothing to say. I wrote an awesome advert today so I'll post that tomorrow and that can be my writing for the day yes good ok the pixies are brilliant

DAY 45

I am sleepy. To be honest I'm still revelling in the insanity that was yesterday. I mean, before yesterday I had kissed one person, made out with three more, nine if them were a big deal or lasted more than a few seconds I don't think. Then that, then THAT, then all that. And it feels good. It feels relieving and like it went pretty well and it has done some really nice things to my confidence. A couple of doubts seem to have occurred to me but I think that's just late night blues.

Also first proper therapy session today. Interesting. The jaw stuff is getting ridiculous so it was needed. He has some interesting ideas and I really want this to work. Although if it does work and I become more relaxed then I might not be the me I am. Idk it's all a bit wierd.

Also I looked pretty in the mirror just now, in a kind of slightly hedwig showgirl kind of way. I wanna feel pretty and I think it's good to notice when I do. I want to notice my own happiness. I want to find less addictive comfort in the sadness

DAY 44

I am staring at this screen with no idea of what to say so I'm writing about the fact I don't know what to say.

Today has been the wildest sexiest day

I'm not sure I will write the details on here because I don't know who will see this but things happened and I love the cast and I am different in some ways but I feel a bit like I'm made of fire or something

Wow

So many

So many nice things were said to

Your body is beautiful, I'm proud of you, you're my favourite in the cast, you're one of the best actors, you're well endo- you get the picture

DAY 43

Jesus

This is happening.

So much has built up to this moment.

Well not this precise one

 But tomorrow.

Holy shit

DAY 42

Day 42, a number associated with meaningfulness, the state up to now of this blog doesn't bode well for this as a theme. Let's see how we go

The bent figure of a man stumbles across the rusted rock of the arid landscape. He is silhouetted against the similar orange of the sky as he slowly meanders. Zooming in, his outline seems to cower under a burden, like the shell of an ungainly tortoise. Closer still this weight is revelaed to be a thousand staked coffins, tiny and intricate. More a sewn not the fabric of his dusty coat and more still hang of ropes that dangle wearily around his frame. Closer still we see his face. It is a he by the way. The only women left lie in the coffins that bend his frame. His face is dryer than the rocks around him and as pale as the moon. He does not seem to labour under his weight however, for he, the last man on earth is staring down at the screen of an iPhone and filling in an online petition for amnesty international.

I call this piece, white guilt and such

DAY 41

Last night I saw the best piece of theatre I think I've ever seen and I need to start writing and making more shit. Is very important I get that good. I need to become productive and write amazing things. It was called this is the way we die by Christopher Brett bailey and it was like Lou reed, shakespeare, jack white, patti smith, all of arcade fire, Oscar Wilde, William Burroughs and all the kids from that brave new voices show got together ina room with a load of cocaine and fucked eachother. It is very important I do things like good.

Also today was very wierd. Things are sort of happening. Someone is interested in me. Finally. Why don't I feel ecstatic? I feel guilty. This is so wierd and I am stressed and a bit excited but mostly guilty and urghhh and yeah ahhh

This should make up for the missed day

HILARIOUS SPRING AWAKENING EDITS I DID

DAY 39 and 40

Shitting bollocking bugger I forgot a day. I don't know how. It was Halloween yesterday and I planned to do one before I went out but I didn't and oh fuck and now I've got nothing to say cos I feel kind of guilty but I don't know why. Like I'm not living how I should. Like I'm letting myself down and I don't know how. I mean obviously I let myself down regularly but something feels different about it now. Its probably to do with how little work I fell able to do and how the play is my life and ihow I use it to avoid pretty much everything. Anyhoo, I dunno what to do about missing a blog.

DAY 38

Ok sorry about yesterdays blog but last night was amazing and i am very happy with it. but today i had to deal with that night which meant i was a bit pissed during the CSM open day. im so fucking done with open days and that didnt help. csm was cool tho. the parts of it i could concentrate on were anyway. ints nice to see a place that exists in the world where people look like me. no exactly like me. i'd hate that, being the self righteous shit i am but they all dressed wierd and it was great. also i will never be able to spell the word weird . oh shit i did. go me. also lexi said nice things to me on fb and i adore her. and all the cast. fuck. im getting infatuated again.

DAY 37

Fuck you blog. Fuck you for being a thing. I'm really drunk right now and I have to get up super yearly for an open day and I nearly forgot abut you but I has a lovely night and I feel very close to many of my friends and I'm very attracted to many of them and it's annoying and I wish they were interestest nun me. It was interesting to talk to Gabriel and compare our emotional states cos he is a recovering sociopath and I'm neurotic as fuck. Also I kissed both rose and lexi on the mouth today and that's awesome. This is potentially the drunkedst and most honest blog post yet

DAY 36

I've decided i hate it when straight women call their friends 'girlfriends'.

they aren't your girl friends, they're your friends. calling them your girl friends implies several things that are horrible. it devalues lesbian relationships to being just friends. it implies that men and women cant be friends and/or if they were you should behave differently around them. it enforces the bullshit of gender and is dumb. stop it. stop making men and women different.

DAY 35

Why do they show football scores on the news. It is not news. I'm aware most of the stuff on the news isn't news, but football is ridiculous. I know people like it but I like stuff like doctor who and you never see Fiona Bruce saying "and in the latest doctor who, the doctor was successful against the aliens and will proceed to the next episode." I like lots of shit that's equally unimportant as football. I'd like if on the news they ended with a critique of a Bowie song in extreme detail but that would never happen because it would be wierd and boring. FOOTBALL IS WIERD AND BORING. Not news. Football is not news

DAY 34

Rehearsal today. The band was there. It sounds great, I sounded ok and it was good. Everyone is lovely. Lots of long times with lovely people. Then drinks with lovely people. Then home with a lovely person. But I'm home alone now so I'm sad and it occurred to me again (woes of being single) that it would be lovely to have someone that I could go home with and stay with. No matter how many lovely people are in my days, I'm lonely at night.

DAY 33

a list of sexual positions not yet invented.

The Basking Shark
The Reverse Salesman
The South Revolution.
Flax!
The Ghost of Henry Newins
Stampeding Cattle style
Left leaning Guardian Journalist style
The Whooper
The Great White Whale
The Full Frontal Salesman
The Attack of the Last Survivor
The Leviosa (not leviosaaar)
The Collapsing Bee Keeper

If you invent any of these send them to me. please attach photos or diagrams or money.

DAY 32

Look at me, im doing this not late as fuck at night when i can hardly see. theoretically this should mean this is sort of a good post but im in a sad mood so it probably wont be. also im typing this on a computer so the im is not autocorrected to I'm and im not going to do anything about this.

ok, musings of a freakling. so i have been listening to the song she by wolf alice which is good and i'd recommend it. and like what happens with songs when i listen to them, i got a little shocked how yet another person writes something that directly describes my life when they have never met me.

It's so easy to rebel
she knows she knows she knows
....
I wish i was like you
i wish i was you

now. i don't know what she knows but i have thoughts on the other bits. she doesn't know as far as i know. but yes. so most of my friends are girl type people, i dont have anything specific against men, just several unspecific things and i dont tend to connect with them on a bro level. several of them have said how much they admire me for wearing make up. i love them for his. i love that something so fundamental about me is being accepted but i feel a bit like a fraud. i dont really wear it to rebel, i do a bit. i like not conforming but the honest fact of the matter is i wear it to fit in. totally unsuccessfully. i wear it to fit in with being a girl. which literally never happens (separate issue). It is so easy to rebel, but its not about rebelling. urgh. it's al about wishing i didnt have to rebel. it would be nice to rebel entirely out of choice

i am a rebel rebel. but out of having to. not my choice

not my choice. I'm not trying to be cool, if it works thats great but its a by product

DAY 31

i want someone to want to draw me. i want someone to notice when i am feeling crap. I want someone to worry about me when they notice. i want someone to make me a mixtape. i want someone to tell me they thought of me when they saw something.

its self obsessed and all, but i want to know i matter to people and i really want, but know i don't, i really want to seem beautiful to someone

DAY 30

I am not feeling very great right now. I have become almost entirely disenchanted with the human experience. All the pain and angst and stuff. Much of it is bullshit, little of it isn't. Everything's broken. I am insufficient in every way. I am now going to reassemble my DNA into that of something better, some sort of exotic bird perhaps. I'd like that.

Anyhoo if anyone wants me I'll be in my cocoon

DAY 29

I have no words. I've only just got home from seeing night vale live. It was incredible. Cecil baldwin. I always loved him but he is a new god to me and I got to meet him. And all of them and they were all delightful accept Joseph fink who was nice but super awkward. Which is fine if he's shy but it was a LIL uncomfortable but the rest are all charming and funny and I had a wierd conversation about being naked with meg. Wierd. But it was increase and I thought I'd never get home but I am and now I need to sleep.

I wanna be like all of them. I want to be Jeffrey cranor and Cecil combined. While looking like meg. Sigh.

DAY 28

Raise boys and girls the same way

A really great sentence I think. It's short and memorable and something to strive for. And it leads me to my thoughts about role models. I think it's very wierd and unhealthy that kids only idolise people of their gender. Like most issues, boys are the bigger problem here, although I don't blame baby boys, it's parents and the media. It is true however girls are discouraged from having male role models. Girl role models are submissive and pretty and boys ones are violent and action heroes. That's not the main point of what I am saying now though. I'm saying that you should idolise people who do great things. If you like sport and are a boy you should want posters of ... Some sportswoman on your wall, not for her tits but because she did really good at a sport that she did and girls should have pictures of Gandhi and David Byrne.

I have a lot more to say on the topic but for now sleep and a basic list of all my role models

Bowie, Lou reed, Greg proops, Laura Jane grace, Amanda palmer, st Vincent, mick jagger, Tom waits, basquiat, tim minchin, Andrew oniell, iggy pop, hedwig, Richard o brien, josie long, robin ince, Malala, cindy Sherman, laverne cox, Jeremy hardy, patti smith, David Byrne, Joan jett, David Hoyle, stacey makishi, jean Paul Gaultier, Oscar Wilde, Antony hegarty, lee Newton, joe bereta, ze frank and many many more

DAY 27

Today was a day filled to bursting with lovely people and I am so tired I don't know how I'm typing this. I am very much in love with all my friends but it worries me that I can't be happy while alone. I have good days btw, I tend to write this shit in the night which is when I'm alone and sad. Happiness is wierd. I don't think I'm happy. But I have good times. Today was largely happy. I don't think I'm sad. I think I just carry a lot of sadness and disconnect and insecurity. I don't know. Anyhoo I can barely see so I'm going to go to sleep and by sleep I probably mean fuck around on the Internet for a time. I don't even want to but I can barely stop it these days because I need comfort all the time. Sigh

DAY 26

Nothing much to say right now cos I am tired from being at LCF today and have been feeling a lot of GD and am currently in a state of POB. I'm being deliberately mysterious. I'm sorry. But it's all things I may explain at some stage. Maybe. Anyway my jaws shite still, I realised I haven't mentioned it for a while which is a shame cos it's so darn interesting. Although I saw that hypnotherapist who was really nice and he said its because I need comfort and I'm stressed and sad and hell help me fix my life to stop me doing it. This was more than I expected but sounds lovely and makes me less scared

DAY 25

I've just seen simaon Amstell who talks about himself but may as well be talking about me apart from how I'm not kinky, Jewish or gay. He talks about insecurity and the need for love coming from a place of ego, and problems in life coming from a place fear and seeking comfort in the safety of the known. Few rand ego must be defeated

He's right though, i really believe I am special with little evidence to back it up. I need to be loved to the point where I'm barely happy ever on my own.

I feel lonely and wierd but it was an excellent show :)

DAY 24

Today has involved blood tests and psychology and horns and art. I'm seeing a guy about my jaw clicking and it looks like he's gonna solves all my life problems. I feel a bit pretty and a bit lonely. Relationships and organising and life is hard but ok. I'm tired noe

DAY 23

Another late night after a hectic day. Quite a good day. College was largely pointless but I bought my first dress and tights today and it made me really happy. Someone said I looked sexy and even though that was Millie who is kind of a child and she wasn't saying it as anything other than a friendly compliment it felt really nice. Lexi said nice things too. It really made me feel like I'm not a male invading a girl world, but a person with a right to be there. Even though I came home with a tinge of sadness cos its one of the very few times I've felt beautiful and attractive and I wanted someone sense to really think that. I wanted to have a someone to share my feeling pretty with

Also we did the reformatory scene and I has to be an aggressive thug who wanks for money. It was someone at odds with the dress. But the masculinity of the scene was confusingly exciting and energising. Not like I'd want to engage with any more about it but there's something oddly satisfying about blundering aggression. Obviously it's not as satisfying as having your eyeliner on point but that was a wierd and interesting feeling I'd never felt before, or not for a long time.

Gender is such a confusing thing and I am conflicted by the fact that it feels like a basis of my identity but I also wish I didn't have to think about it.

DAY 22

Today I recommended someone else do a shitty blog as yet another thing to clog up potentially useful Internet space. Well done me. Also this was the closest I've come to forgetting to do this but hey go me I didn't. I'm sure you're all delighted
And by 'you all' I mean me and by me I mean no one and by no one I mean nothing

Tinder is going poorly, no one likes me

Finally someone I thought was attractive did but I didn't know about rupaul so I failed apparently
That was harsh I thought

Attraction is complicated I think

This is another nothing post but it's 20 past 1 in the morning and I have to get up at 7:30 for a full day so this is gonna have to be it

DAY 21

I was gonna write more but tinder. Tinder is all things. Tinder is changing me. Making me a monster. Tinder has me now. If you are reading this message run. It's too late for me. Tinder is the new lord. All praise the terrible tinder. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.

So much judgement
Also the first person I got a match with apparently said yes about me by accident

Self este
              e
                e
                  e
                    e
                     m

DAY 20

20 days of this bull shit wow

Ok so it's late again and I'm sleepy as a puppy at midnight. I will write a story tomorrow I hope. For now I need to say how important hedwig and the angry inch is. I love it it is life.

This leads me to a concept ive been struggling with

I want to be beautiful. I realised half the reason I love costumes and make up so much is because when I dress up people tell me I look beautiful. And that's what I really want. If I was born a girl it would be different. AFAB girls are allowed to be beautiful. Even ones who are not traditionally beautiful are called it. Boys aren't allowed to be beautiful. I have very limited interest in being a boy but that's another topic. A big one. I'm not beautiful. I don't think I'm ugly but I'm not massively attractive for a boy and male faces only seem to be beautiful if they look like girls faces. Obviously I mean assigned male and female at birth with all these things.

Urgh I don't know. It's making me sad a bit

DAY 19

I've been in up since like 6 to go to an open day in bournemouth so needless to say I'm fucking wrecked. but here i am committing pleasantly to this shit blog. i still have that sad story idea but i can't. I simply can't. so heres a few things that made utter logical sense to my mind while i was half asleep a second a go

the idea of time being optional
teeth as soldiers biting stuff into squares for the good of the people
a vegetable that was also jack white and also a vegetable
a racist man all blacked up in southhampton station asking for directions to Oombutu

all of these seemed so logical

DAY 18

I thought I was gonna have more time today to write more. I already wrote a description  of the sexual act on that essay which I was pleased with but for now just a list of this that it would be bad to find in your bath

Cockroach babies
A dead person
A dead cat
A dead anything
Boris Johnson. Naked.
A person who looks exactly like you down to the clothes you're wearing
A character from the previous nights dream
Blood
Brian blessed. Also naked.
Black viscous liquid with unknown origin
Someone's thumb
A drawing of a face,ess figure with a note saying 'welcome him'

DAY 17

Ok this thing has gone from no page views to like 40. I published on tumblr in the small hours yesterday and apparently people have read this god awful shit. Oh dear. I am very sorry. Well hopefully all that will have put them off and I can be shit again without guilt

Guilt is a bitch of a feeling. Its the strongest physical emotion with the way it makes you feel all hot and like a self hating child. That was a feeling of today.

Anyways I'm feeling really shitty right now so the promised increase in quality of this blog is not gonna occur tonight. Sorry. But mostly what I have to report is that I've just discovered PJ Harvey and she is a wonderous witch goddess who I might love soon. She sounds like patti smith covering the pixies and what's not to like about that?

Anyhoo, I'll try and be better tomorrow

DAY 16

What do you do when one of the most significant parts of your life seems to be repeating itself. But with different people. Like, it's wonderful but also odd. Like I'm cheating on the previous event with this event. But the old event is effectively dead. So it's like a widow getting steamy with a new person. It's fine, it's maybe even good, but theres a wierd sense of guilt. Worrying what the old event would think, wondering what whatever it thinks matters. Feeling like you're being fals e with the new event, eventually getting close with the new event in the same way as the old event? What happens when this event ends? With there be more events? Will life just be an endless stream of repeating events? Event event event

Today has been eventful

Day 15

still i have nothing, disappointingly to say but i did do some good writing today,

i wrote the first page of the essay for spring awakening,

now. this is a prop. the audience will not see the specifics of the text, so i can pretty much write whatever i like, here it is

DAY 14

Two weeks of daily blogging. Two weeks. What have we learned

We've learnt, well just now, that learnt and learned are both words. We have also learned that the repetition of either of these makes the m both sound wierd and confusing.

We have learnt that I like people to be nice to me

We have mostly learned that trying to write a witty and interesting blog is virtually impossible when you are neither of those things and struggle enormously with fatigue.

I'm gonna keep it up though, I'm going to get better at it. Also I got Glastonbury tickets again yay :)

DAY 13

I lied yesterday

i dont have the energy or time or motivation

i have a jaw cracking based headache

i am now googling artistic representations of satan

sorry

i let everyone down

DAY 12

Ok

Tomorrow I promise I will write something proper. Something that I spend time over, something that I don't write at midnight just before I sleep. It will be witty and poetic and clever and I may even redraft bits. Today has been another day where I could barely keep my eyes open while walking. I may set my self writing tasks, like a character assassination of melchior Gabor or reasons why tom waits is better than you. But for now sleep. Also I have to wake up early to try and get GLASTO tickets so sorry

I don't know who I'm saying sorry to, me? I don't know

I nearly wrote Idk then but I have more self respect than that

DAY 11

Writing everyday is super hard. As is being entertaining when you're so exhausted all the time you literally went to the doctor about it today. This is gonna be another short one, partly because nothing I say will be as funny as the word yeast in cards against humanity from earlier. I'll say a proper joke I made the other day

Chiara and Millie were discussing being ina band called the undescended testicles and I said you wait for the base to drop, it never does, which I will write into a proper joke soon

Anyways, doctor told me to go to the website mind about the jaw stuff so that's the most interesting update to that incredibly uninteresting ongoing storyline I am creating

WOOP

Goodnight

DAY 10

I'm so tired I feel ill. Sentence. Sentence. Sentence. Jaw cracking bad. I'm sorry I just can't

DAY 9

I can barely move for tired. I've been up since 7 an doing photos hoots and art works and rehearsals which has been largely very good but just a lot and I cauuureeerrntttttt

Things learnt from today
Jumping is hard
Don't do sadness is the best song ever
People are really nice
Hugs are really nice
If you ever think something nice about someone tell them because compliments are like verbal warmth Nd they're so easy to give. Particularly when you're a person who often feels pretty cold

Much jaw crack today

wow you can do titles? DAY 8

DAY 8

I'll do loads of photos next week i promise but im really tired ok

but hey, i've kept this up for a week, low quality aside :)

today i wrote something in the form of a facebook post to the spring awakening group which im quite pleased with so I'm gonna cheat and paste it here cause im tired as a dead sloth again. going o the doctor about this on friday. teeth grinding almost over taking jaw cracking as a major literal and figurative headache

ok here it is. it's truth is somewhat stretched but i never promised to be truthful usted failed attempts at entertaining

Ok
so today i went to H&M to try and get those boots that i need to get. i went full of hope and the light of the world and now i feel crushed and empty inside. i got in there and people were all staring at me weird, which i'm reasonably used too and admittedly i was carrying a corset with big angel wings made of sellotape (the reasons for this are unimportant) and bright pink eye shadow but still. i naturally went to the girls shoes and found that girls who shop at H&M all have OFFENSIVELY TINY PIGEON FEET and so they didn't fit. i went up to the boy bit and found out that men aren't allowed nice shoes and they all have to wear ugly flat soled khaki bullshit and then this guy was in the shop who i recognized from somewhere and he wouldn't stop staring at me til i left (it turns out he was my optician)

long story short i didnt get any boots. black converse will have to do.

goodnight precious angels

by that i mean me, this blog has had literally no page views

oh hey i did add a picture

DAY 7

I slept horrendously last night and not much has happened today so it's gonna be brief. Like super brief. Jaw cracking is at a high. Only lovers left alive is good. I want to look like tilda Swindon and Tom Hiddleston and Mia wasikowska in it. It did prompt me to write a sort of joke though

What's the difference between Dracula and David Cameron

One is a horrific human like creature that feeds off the life blood of the people and the other is Dracula.

It's sort of a joke, even if you get the end long before the punch line arrives

Ok that's all I have for tonight

I'm aware of the lack of pictures sorry 

DAY 6

yah ok yesterdays angry rant was countered by the fact that after we went to a folk night that was unintentionally hilarious. in that i was at an old pub that, although was technically in lewis, spiritually was more ot home in devon and everyone in it looked like an extra from that scene in old horror films where the protagonists go in to get some local knowledge on the way to the castle or swamp or whatever and get warned by superstitious bearded locals. there was so much beard. jesus there was so much beard. beards and cardigans and the smell of burnt beer. some of the beards were being knitted into cardigans by the equally bearded women.

naturally i had chosen the wear 5 intense shades of shimmering blue and purple eyeliner, stars on my face, patterned eyebrows and a shiny shawl. everyone stared at me when i walked in. the music stopped. beards rustled.

i'm being silly and i dont want to be rude about this, it was a lovely night and they were lovely folk fans listening to lovely folk music and there was a lovely community spirit in the air. every time a folk so finished a man would loudly say YES as the applause began.

i was offered a seat next to an enormous friendly woman with disheveled hair and a big knitted jumper a lined face and drooping kind eyes. i sat down and it occurred to me how massively different two humans can look. i looked like a sort of dragonfly-greyhound-alien and she looked like a great big loaf of dusty bread. it was odd but again, very nice

on the way home we sang loudly to against me and i said a phrase which im noticing is becoming my catchphrase. "everyone is a friend if you lower your standards enough"


that was yesterday anyway. today was a very nice rehearsal and a nap that made me feel ill and jet lagged and a walk where i got adopted by some drunk folk

also i must write about the archie where are we now story but i need a drink now byee

DAY 5

first day for a while thats actually in the day

go me

i havent been feeling particularly good about anything today. my sister is doing really well with her course and i am super jealous partly because i wish i had done more music stuff and i wsh i could write songs and partly because i want a magic pill that solves all my problems. i'm sure this makes me a grumpy prick but i dont really care. this is a large contributing factor to the angry tone of this entry and the lack of punctuation.

ok todays entry (entry?) will take the form of a short and angry rant about people LEAVING THE GOSH DARN FUCKERING DOOR OPEN WHEN THEY EXIT YOUR ROOM. FOR SOME REASON EVERYONE IS INCAPABLE IN THIS HOUSE OF DOING IT. i know, real big problems, the world is a desperate place of desolation and strife. but it seriously makes me incredibly uncomfortable and its not much to do really. im sure it's only an issue for me because i dont want to be walked in on.... walked in on looking at tumblr for the 7th hour straight. also tumblr has a habit of exploding nudity whenever someone else is present. dammit tumblr. give me my life back

ha that implies i was somehow with life before tumblr.

haha

ok thats all i can do today. jaw cracking like an addicted. i'm addicted to crack.

DAY 4

Have I missed a day? I'm confused. I don't think I did.

Either way the thing happened again and it's technically tomorrow but this counts ok shut up

Today has been a wierd mix of guilt fatigue failed art and friends and mild anxxiety attacks
I went to Beth hodd's leaving event which went really wrong until I got there and then it was early nice and people liked me and I said the right things at the right time and made people laugh and smile which is one of the only things I do that makes me feel like I'm worth anything so yay well done smug little annoying me :)

Also I'm gonna continue the entirely unfunny punk butter thing because me and Beth, who I like very much were discussing johnny rotten on the country life adverts and the concept of punk butter organically came up again.

She began to sing 'god save the creeeaaaammm' and I followed up with 'the fascist margarine' and we both nearly shat with the spontaneity and joy of the moment.

Anyways it turned out fine and I made friends and almost saw someone's homemade sex tape and I
I've seren and Lauren and a few others who were there. Bliss and so on.

It's 2:07 am now and I'm gonna go to sleep. Jaw cracking started off well then the stress set it and I realised I've been doing it consistently for hours. I have no idea how I'm gonna stop doing this. It gives me a permanent sore jaw and headache.

DAY 3

I'm am tired and ill and generally low today so I'm pretty sure I won't write anything particularly entertaining. Jaw shit has been a little bit less today. Hard habit to kick

Me and Millie and itasca did create the idea of punkalife and I decided that that was the name of a punk brand of butter with a metal stud in every fiftieth tub. Good luck. But that was yesterday so I should think of something about today

We made Sellotape sculptures, chiara started collecting little samples of everything from hair to gum for her project and I did say that if she really wanted to commit to it, well, she does have a boyfriend. And what are boyfriends if not dispensers of a sort. I like chiara a lot she's friendly and fun to be around.

I'm aware of the risk of this blog being very diaryish which wasn't the point but I don't mind a little bit of that stuff. The problem is I don't want to get obsessed with writing everything that happens to me cos then I end up like Alex who diarises obsessively and I would feel pressure and no.

I did say on the first post that this blog could be insightful too and seeing as I'm not feeling up to much today here's some more sort of sad and emotional thoughts I had while listening to 5:15 and the angles have gone and tunnels.

A bit of context, last year I became so powerfully attached to a group of people from the bhasvic play. That became one of the most important experiences of my life. I was there at the birth of a friendship group and, although I already had a good group of very precious friends, I felt like a really important member of the group. We talked a lot about what we liked about eachother and our sadnesses and dreams and insecurities and stuff and they made me feel incredible and loved and so special. Poppy, jack, Gabriel, Chloe, emeline, emily, maddy. Then the group drifted because the play ended and we really tried but it's hard when that was our only common time and now everyone's gone of to uni and stuff. Even since starting city I have seen my other group only a very few times.  Even Georgia, who is possibly my best friend and we texted all the time. We haven't texted in days, although she is texting me as I write this so yay. Also recently I've got really into spring awakening and I'm forming some strong bonds with them and I've got some good friends in city. And I love it. But I feel guilty and sad that I am sort of replacing these people who at one point were my reason for getting up. That's a sad thought, that you make all these bonds and then they are just gone and you make more but the same thing happens. Ephemeral stuff is a bitch. It was so important and probably one day I won't even be able to recall the feelings. None of us will. It's all lost. To be replaced by stuff that will also then be lost. And it'll probably get less significant everytime like how everything you recycle card it gets more shit.

Poppy, jack, Gabriel, maddy, emeline, Emily. They were the angels. It's 5:15

I had angels down as a metaphor for my own bullshit problems but it seems the angels aren't in me they're in them and throw they're gone

Shit.

shitting shit shit.

Anyway, there we go, different style of blog today and I'm keeping it up 3 days later

DAY 2

Ok I fucked up I'm aware. This technically is a missed day but to me it's still the same day. It's half midnight and I am super tired and I'll so won't write much. Jaw clicking still intense despite constant attempts to stop. Teeth grinding major problem too.

A few things occurred to me today (I'm doing a daily blog, I may as well just directly copy Richard herring)

We had to draw a heap of male nudes in college today and it does make you realise, men, particularly men people want to draw, are all lumpy and muscly and their buttocks look really stressed and over worked just by sitting there. Like they're flexing and wish for nothing more that gentle release. In short, cisdude bodies scare me.

Also we had a rehearsal. I love rehearsals so much. I want to campaign to make it legal to marry a rehearsal.i want to kiss rehearsals face. I also found out that my range increases by about 2 tones when I'm infront of people and have anxiety and adrenalin. Yay. The fact these things also make a voice much harder to control is less yay, but hey I didnt fuck up touch me so go me.

Also I had one of those days where you look in the mirror and think "oh, you again"

Also I learnt a lot about stripping. Although I will never strip it is interesting and I have my playlist worked out (in the still of the night by white snake and the rocky road to Dublin by the dubliners and roxanne for the sake of irony)

Also I told the story abut the dude from yesterday to laughter so I guess it's all good.

Also I love kez and Rosie a lot.

Also I need to stop starting paragraphs with also

Ok now I need to sleep, mostly so I can regroup my throat. The cold has returned and she is angry.

DAY 1

I'm not sure what I'm going to write about here particularly but i had this idea today because a thing happened.

also i thought of another rule.

I am not going to tell anyone about this blog, until it has been going at least 14 days. that way I wont get the satisfaction of people seeing it until i am firmly in the habit.

also i thought as a regular feature (who do i think i am, Keith Lemon? i don't know anything about Keith Lemon) i would update the world as to my jaw clicking habits. basically my jaw is fucked and I'[m addicted to clicking it and since i'm committing to this i may as well try and hit two self destroying birds with a stone of effort. today i've been clicking like a motherbitch

I'm increasingly realising this is gonna be a massively self indulgent, uninteresting shit fest. literally no one gives a shit about my jaw. but this is my blog so hush

ok, today.

Today i was walking home from Art college (surprise surprise, art college kid write emotion blog. i literally disgust myself). i was carrying a headdress type thing made out of feathers that my friend made and i was saving from bin based demise because i am a very thoughtful and lovely person (the sort of thoughtful and lovely person the needs to tell themselves they are thoughtful and lovely because no one else will). Anyway, this caught the eye of a man leaning out his truck/van window. to describe this man - he had the plump self importance of a managerial guinea pig and the natural hue of his face was similar to that of raw pig meat or a tomato or tomato by-product. you know those men who have a face of semi extreme exertion despite not having moved for a good while. yeah that kind of man. for the sake of stereotypes lets call him BARRY. so i was walking past BARRY's van which had two other similarly meaty looking blokes in it. He called out to me in the language of the bloke, which i am not versed in at all but was able to decipher a vague intention that he liked the feathers, i said thank you, smiled my best "thanks but i have no desire to speak to you at all, please leave me alone to get reabsorbed into the punk wonder of my ipod" smile and tried to leave but BARRY wasn't finished apparently. "EYy COM BAkk, com bakk" he said eloquently. i obeyed with that sinking feeling you get when you can tell the next minute of your life has revealed itself to be a time based prick.

"Are you on of them Joffs?" says BARRY
"what?" i ask
"Are you one them Joffs?" repeats BARRY, changing literally nothing about his precious sentence
I look at him helplessly.
At this moment, one of the other blokes in the car, who both remind me somewhat of walruses calmly sunning themselves, leans over and says "Goths"
"yeah, Joffs" says BARRY helpfully
"oh, not particularly" i say. Its worth mentioning here that i am dressed in all black with skinny jeans, subtle eyeliner and messed up hair, so i guess it's not an unreasonable assumption. as it happened today wasn't a goth day (may days tend to either be glam, goth, punk or not enough effort to be considered any of those above). And i wouldn't expect him to note that were i a goth, the eyeliner would've been much heavier, perhaps with lipstick of some kind and something to pale my face. something about his meat face made me think these subtleties would've been lost on him. maybe that's patronising and judgmental but he did interrupt the best line of the song 'Black Me Out" by actual Goddess Laura Jane Grace so i feel justified.

"Are you queer?" asks BARRY, confusion beginning to play in his eyes. his eyes looked like small animal anuses.
"No" i say, recalling the 2 other times i have been asked this by men i had no desire to speak to. i guess I'm surprised it's not more. good old Brighton.
"Why Arr You all dressed Up LAIKe a Woman then?". I think this is written in Iambic pentameters, can someone check? definitely got a feel of Shakespearean about it. before i can answer he continues
"YOUUMIY GEtyAAARSE grubbedlookinglaithat"

...

my best guess is he meant i might get my arse grabbed looking like i do. there's literally nothing you can say to that. he than told me to be on my way.

this wasn't too bad. he wasn't aggressive really and i think he's more uneducated than rude. i mean, he's a dick, no question but a harmless one (if there is such a thing AM I RIGHT RADFEMS?)

either way its a bit annoying but on some level i feel like if i'm not pissing people off i'm not doing it right. i didn't start wearing make up to get friends (thats not entirely true, and as it turns out i've made loads since doing it soo....)

So thanks BARRY for reminding me why i try as you and your friends gently roast in the afternoon sun


WOOP DAY 1 DONE

In the Beginning

Okay

So this is a blog i have decided to make. It has humble intentions. not even the intention of being read. i want to write more so i can be good at it so i can get famous and touch the lives of artsy kids everywhere. That's the dream. i figure you get better at writing by writing, so write I shall. The grammar shall be poor, the spelling inexcusable but by god, i am going to WRITE THIS SHIT EVERY DAY. until i fail or get dispirited which is likely knowing me and my near inability to commit to anything. EVERY DAY ABOUT ANYTHING.

Rules (i need rules otherwise I'll get overwhelmed immediately so here's some things to help me commit)

 1) must be done every day. days away from the computer will be written elsewhere and uploaded as soon as possible.

2) must be over 5 sentences long

3) must attempt to either be insightful or amusing or both

4) must include a picture at least once a week

5) missed days may have some sort of punishment system

i dont have to read through the writing. it isnt supposed to be polished work

more rules may be added as PROJECT WRITE SOMETHING EVERYDAY YOU LAZY PRICK continues.

good okay, well here's the beginning

also i am Charlie Wood. no one's going to follow this though so it doesn't matter.