DAY 38

Ok sorry about yesterdays blog but last night was amazing and i am very happy with it. but today i had to deal with that night which meant i was a bit pissed during the CSM open day. im so fucking done with open days and that didnt help. csm was cool tho. the parts of it i could concentrate on were anyway. ints nice to see a place that exists in the world where people look like me. no exactly like me. i'd hate that, being the self righteous shit i am but they all dressed wierd and it was great. also i will never be able to spell the word weird . oh shit i did. go me. also lexi said nice things to me on fb and i adore her. and all the cast. fuck. im getting infatuated again.

DAY 37

Fuck you blog. Fuck you for being a thing. I'm really drunk right now and I have to get up super yearly for an open day and I nearly forgot abut you but I has a lovely night and I feel very close to many of my friends and I'm very attracted to many of them and it's annoying and I wish they were interestest nun me. It was interesting to talk to Gabriel and compare our emotional states cos he is a recovering sociopath and I'm neurotic as fuck. Also I kissed both rose and lexi on the mouth today and that's awesome. This is potentially the drunkedst and most honest blog post yet

DAY 36

I've decided i hate it when straight women call their friends 'girlfriends'.

they aren't your girl friends, they're your friends. calling them your girl friends implies several things that are horrible. it devalues lesbian relationships to being just friends. it implies that men and women cant be friends and/or if they were you should behave differently around them. it enforces the bullshit of gender and is dumb. stop it. stop making men and women different.

DAY 35

Why do they show football scores on the news. It is not news. I'm aware most of the stuff on the news isn't news, but football is ridiculous. I know people like it but I like stuff like doctor who and you never see Fiona Bruce saying "and in the latest doctor who, the doctor was successful against the aliens and will proceed to the next episode." I like lots of shit that's equally unimportant as football. I'd like if on the news they ended with a critique of a Bowie song in extreme detail but that would never happen because it would be wierd and boring. FOOTBALL IS WIERD AND BORING. Not news. Football is not news

DAY 34

Rehearsal today. The band was there. It sounds great, I sounded ok and it was good. Everyone is lovely. Lots of long times with lovely people. Then drinks with lovely people. Then home with a lovely person. But I'm home alone now so I'm sad and it occurred to me again (woes of being single) that it would be lovely to have someone that I could go home with and stay with. No matter how many lovely people are in my days, I'm lonely at night.

DAY 33

a list of sexual positions not yet invented.

The Basking Shark
The Reverse Salesman
The South Revolution.
Flax!
The Ghost of Henry Newins
Stampeding Cattle style
Left leaning Guardian Journalist style
The Whooper
The Great White Whale
The Full Frontal Salesman
The Attack of the Last Survivor
The Leviosa (not leviosaaar)
The Collapsing Bee Keeper

If you invent any of these send them to me. please attach photos or diagrams or money.

DAY 32

Look at me, im doing this not late as fuck at night when i can hardly see. theoretically this should mean this is sort of a good post but im in a sad mood so it probably wont be. also im typing this on a computer so the im is not autocorrected to I'm and im not going to do anything about this.

ok, musings of a freakling. so i have been listening to the song she by wolf alice which is good and i'd recommend it. and like what happens with songs when i listen to them, i got a little shocked how yet another person writes something that directly describes my life when they have never met me.

It's so easy to rebel
she knows she knows she knows
....
I wish i was like you
i wish i was you

now. i don't know what she knows but i have thoughts on the other bits. she doesn't know as far as i know. but yes. so most of my friends are girl type people, i dont have anything specific against men, just several unspecific things and i dont tend to connect with them on a bro level. several of them have said how much they admire me for wearing make up. i love them for his. i love that something so fundamental about me is being accepted but i feel a bit like a fraud. i dont really wear it to rebel, i do a bit. i like not conforming but the honest fact of the matter is i wear it to fit in. totally unsuccessfully. i wear it to fit in with being a girl. which literally never happens (separate issue). It is so easy to rebel, but its not about rebelling. urgh. it's al about wishing i didnt have to rebel. it would be nice to rebel entirely out of choice

i am a rebel rebel. but out of having to. not my choice

not my choice. I'm not trying to be cool, if it works thats great but its a by product

DAY 31

i want someone to want to draw me. i want someone to notice when i am feeling crap. I want someone to worry about me when they notice. i want someone to make me a mixtape. i want someone to tell me they thought of me when they saw something.

its self obsessed and all, but i want to know i matter to people and i really want, but know i don't, i really want to seem beautiful to someone

DAY 30

I am not feeling very great right now. I have become almost entirely disenchanted with the human experience. All the pain and angst and stuff. Much of it is bullshit, little of it isn't. Everything's broken. I am insufficient in every way. I am now going to reassemble my DNA into that of something better, some sort of exotic bird perhaps. I'd like that.

Anyhoo if anyone wants me I'll be in my cocoon

DAY 29

I have no words. I've only just got home from seeing night vale live. It was incredible. Cecil baldwin. I always loved him but he is a new god to me and I got to meet him. And all of them and they were all delightful accept Joseph fink who was nice but super awkward. Which is fine if he's shy but it was a LIL uncomfortable but the rest are all charming and funny and I had a wierd conversation about being naked with meg. Wierd. But it was increase and I thought I'd never get home but I am and now I need to sleep.

I wanna be like all of them. I want to be Jeffrey cranor and Cecil combined. While looking like meg. Sigh.

DAY 28

Raise boys and girls the same way

A really great sentence I think. It's short and memorable and something to strive for. And it leads me to my thoughts about role models. I think it's very wierd and unhealthy that kids only idolise people of their gender. Like most issues, boys are the bigger problem here, although I don't blame baby boys, it's parents and the media. It is true however girls are discouraged from having male role models. Girl role models are submissive and pretty and boys ones are violent and action heroes. That's not the main point of what I am saying now though. I'm saying that you should idolise people who do great things. If you like sport and are a boy you should want posters of ... Some sportswoman on your wall, not for her tits but because she did really good at a sport that she did and girls should have pictures of Gandhi and David Byrne.

I have a lot more to say on the topic but for now sleep and a basic list of all my role models

Bowie, Lou reed, Greg proops, Laura Jane grace, Amanda palmer, st Vincent, mick jagger, Tom waits, basquiat, tim minchin, Andrew oniell, iggy pop, hedwig, Richard o brien, josie long, robin ince, Malala, cindy Sherman, laverne cox, Jeremy hardy, patti smith, David Byrne, Joan jett, David Hoyle, stacey makishi, jean Paul Gaultier, Oscar Wilde, Antony hegarty, lee Newton, joe bereta, ze frank and many many more

DAY 27

Today was a day filled to bursting with lovely people and I am so tired I don't know how I'm typing this. I am very much in love with all my friends but it worries me that I can't be happy while alone. I have good days btw, I tend to write this shit in the night which is when I'm alone and sad. Happiness is wierd. I don't think I'm happy. But I have good times. Today was largely happy. I don't think I'm sad. I think I just carry a lot of sadness and disconnect and insecurity. I don't know. Anyhoo I can barely see so I'm going to go to sleep and by sleep I probably mean fuck around on the Internet for a time. I don't even want to but I can barely stop it these days because I need comfort all the time. Sigh

DAY 26

Nothing much to say right now cos I am tired from being at LCF today and have been feeling a lot of GD and am currently in a state of POB. I'm being deliberately mysterious. I'm sorry. But it's all things I may explain at some stage. Maybe. Anyway my jaws shite still, I realised I haven't mentioned it for a while which is a shame cos it's so darn interesting. Although I saw that hypnotherapist who was really nice and he said its because I need comfort and I'm stressed and sad and hell help me fix my life to stop me doing it. This was more than I expected but sounds lovely and makes me less scared

DAY 25

I've just seen simaon Amstell who talks about himself but may as well be talking about me apart from how I'm not kinky, Jewish or gay. He talks about insecurity and the need for love coming from a place of ego, and problems in life coming from a place fear and seeking comfort in the safety of the known. Few rand ego must be defeated

He's right though, i really believe I am special with little evidence to back it up. I need to be loved to the point where I'm barely happy ever on my own.

I feel lonely and wierd but it was an excellent show :)

DAY 24

Today has involved blood tests and psychology and horns and art. I'm seeing a guy about my jaw clicking and it looks like he's gonna solves all my life problems. I feel a bit pretty and a bit lonely. Relationships and organising and life is hard but ok. I'm tired noe

DAY 23

Another late night after a hectic day. Quite a good day. College was largely pointless but I bought my first dress and tights today and it made me really happy. Someone said I looked sexy and even though that was Millie who is kind of a child and she wasn't saying it as anything other than a friendly compliment it felt really nice. Lexi said nice things too. It really made me feel like I'm not a male invading a girl world, but a person with a right to be there. Even though I came home with a tinge of sadness cos its one of the very few times I've felt beautiful and attractive and I wanted someone sense to really think that. I wanted to have a someone to share my feeling pretty with

Also we did the reformatory scene and I has to be an aggressive thug who wanks for money. It was someone at odds with the dress. But the masculinity of the scene was confusingly exciting and energising. Not like I'd want to engage with any more about it but there's something oddly satisfying about blundering aggression. Obviously it's not as satisfying as having your eyeliner on point but that was a wierd and interesting feeling I'd never felt before, or not for a long time.

Gender is such a confusing thing and I am conflicted by the fact that it feels like a basis of my identity but I also wish I didn't have to think about it.

DAY 22

Today I recommended someone else do a shitty blog as yet another thing to clog up potentially useful Internet space. Well done me. Also this was the closest I've come to forgetting to do this but hey go me I didn't. I'm sure you're all delighted
And by 'you all' I mean me and by me I mean no one and by no one I mean nothing

Tinder is going poorly, no one likes me

Finally someone I thought was attractive did but I didn't know about rupaul so I failed apparently
That was harsh I thought

Attraction is complicated I think

This is another nothing post but it's 20 past 1 in the morning and I have to get up at 7:30 for a full day so this is gonna have to be it

DAY 21

I was gonna write more but tinder. Tinder is all things. Tinder is changing me. Making me a monster. Tinder has me now. If you are reading this message run. It's too late for me. Tinder is the new lord. All praise the terrible tinder. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.

So much judgement
Also the first person I got a match with apparently said yes about me by accident

Self este
              e
                e
                  e
                    e
                     m

DAY 20

20 days of this bull shit wow

Ok so it's late again and I'm sleepy as a puppy at midnight. I will write a story tomorrow I hope. For now I need to say how important hedwig and the angry inch is. I love it it is life.

This leads me to a concept ive been struggling with

I want to be beautiful. I realised half the reason I love costumes and make up so much is because when I dress up people tell me I look beautiful. And that's what I really want. If I was born a girl it would be different. AFAB girls are allowed to be beautiful. Even ones who are not traditionally beautiful are called it. Boys aren't allowed to be beautiful. I have very limited interest in being a boy but that's another topic. A big one. I'm not beautiful. I don't think I'm ugly but I'm not massively attractive for a boy and male faces only seem to be beautiful if they look like girls faces. Obviously I mean assigned male and female at birth with all these things.

Urgh I don't know. It's making me sad a bit

DAY 19

I've been in up since like 6 to go to an open day in bournemouth so needless to say I'm fucking wrecked. but here i am committing pleasantly to this shit blog. i still have that sad story idea but i can't. I simply can't. so heres a few things that made utter logical sense to my mind while i was half asleep a second a go

the idea of time being optional
teeth as soldiers biting stuff into squares for the good of the people
a vegetable that was also jack white and also a vegetable
a racist man all blacked up in southhampton station asking for directions to Oombutu

all of these seemed so logical

DAY 18

I thought I was gonna have more time today to write more. I already wrote a description  of the sexual act on that essay which I was pleased with but for now just a list of this that it would be bad to find in your bath

Cockroach babies
A dead person
A dead cat
A dead anything
Boris Johnson. Naked.
A person who looks exactly like you down to the clothes you're wearing
A character from the previous nights dream
Blood
Brian blessed. Also naked.
Black viscous liquid with unknown origin
Someone's thumb
A drawing of a face,ess figure with a note saying 'welcome him'

DAY 17

Ok this thing has gone from no page views to like 40. I published on tumblr in the small hours yesterday and apparently people have read this god awful shit. Oh dear. I am very sorry. Well hopefully all that will have put them off and I can be shit again without guilt

Guilt is a bitch of a feeling. Its the strongest physical emotion with the way it makes you feel all hot and like a self hating child. That was a feeling of today.

Anyways I'm feeling really shitty right now so the promised increase in quality of this blog is not gonna occur tonight. Sorry. But mostly what I have to report is that I've just discovered PJ Harvey and she is a wonderous witch goddess who I might love soon. She sounds like patti smith covering the pixies and what's not to like about that?

Anyhoo, I'll try and be better tomorrow

DAY 16

What do you do when one of the most significant parts of your life seems to be repeating itself. But with different people. Like, it's wonderful but also odd. Like I'm cheating on the previous event with this event. But the old event is effectively dead. So it's like a widow getting steamy with a new person. It's fine, it's maybe even good, but theres a wierd sense of guilt. Worrying what the old event would think, wondering what whatever it thinks matters. Feeling like you're being fals e with the new event, eventually getting close with the new event in the same way as the old event? What happens when this event ends? With there be more events? Will life just be an endless stream of repeating events? Event event event

Today has been eventful

Day 15

still i have nothing, disappointingly to say but i did do some good writing today,

i wrote the first page of the essay for spring awakening,

now. this is a prop. the audience will not see the specifics of the text, so i can pretty much write whatever i like, here it is

DAY 14

Two weeks of daily blogging. Two weeks. What have we learned

We've learnt, well just now, that learnt and learned are both words. We have also learned that the repetition of either of these makes the m both sound wierd and confusing.

We have learnt that I like people to be nice to me

We have mostly learned that trying to write a witty and interesting blog is virtually impossible when you are neither of those things and struggle enormously with fatigue.

I'm gonna keep it up though, I'm going to get better at it. Also I got Glastonbury tickets again yay :)

DAY 13

I lied yesterday

i dont have the energy or time or motivation

i have a jaw cracking based headache

i am now googling artistic representations of satan

sorry

i let everyone down

DAY 12

Ok

Tomorrow I promise I will write something proper. Something that I spend time over, something that I don't write at midnight just before I sleep. It will be witty and poetic and clever and I may even redraft bits. Today has been another day where I could barely keep my eyes open while walking. I may set my self writing tasks, like a character assassination of melchior Gabor or reasons why tom waits is better than you. But for now sleep. Also I have to wake up early to try and get GLASTO tickets so sorry

I don't know who I'm saying sorry to, me? I don't know

I nearly wrote Idk then but I have more self respect than that

DAY 11

Writing everyday is super hard. As is being entertaining when you're so exhausted all the time you literally went to the doctor about it today. This is gonna be another short one, partly because nothing I say will be as funny as the word yeast in cards against humanity from earlier. I'll say a proper joke I made the other day

Chiara and Millie were discussing being ina band called the undescended testicles and I said you wait for the base to drop, it never does, which I will write into a proper joke soon

Anyways, doctor told me to go to the website mind about the jaw stuff so that's the most interesting update to that incredibly uninteresting ongoing storyline I am creating

WOOP

Goodnight

DAY 10

I'm so tired I feel ill. Sentence. Sentence. Sentence. Jaw cracking bad. I'm sorry I just can't

DAY 9

I can barely move for tired. I've been up since 7 an doing photos hoots and art works and rehearsals which has been largely very good but just a lot and I cauuureeerrntttttt

Things learnt from today
Jumping is hard
Don't do sadness is the best song ever
People are really nice
Hugs are really nice
If you ever think something nice about someone tell them because compliments are like verbal warmth Nd they're so easy to give. Particularly when you're a person who often feels pretty cold

Much jaw crack today