HIATUS

I missed yesterday cos it all went wrong and I was sad but I think just for this spring awakening week I will put this blog on hiatus because I can't cope sorry back after this week for some super depressed show finished emo shit

DAY 48

Ok I know I missed one I was confused and I should've dealt with it today but I've been off sick because this week is show week and im desparate to be healthy. We did it with costumes and the band yesterday and I think it's gonna be really good. I finally got my solo right and things feel good. The cast is so warm and I love it all so much when it ends I'm gonna crumble I swear Jesus fucking Christ why do I ever get attached to anything. Fuck.

DAY 47

There was ridiculous thunder tonight and I think it's cos god was angry about the themes af arranged marriage, traditional gender roles and animal cruelty that were so heavily glamorised in the John Lewis penguin advert

DAY 46

I have literally or at least almost literally woken up just to write the fact I have just woken up to write this and have nothing to say. I wrote an awesome advert today so I'll post that tomorrow and that can be my writing for the day yes good ok the pixies are brilliant

DAY 45

I am sleepy. To be honest I'm still revelling in the insanity that was yesterday. I mean, before yesterday I had kissed one person, made out with three more, nine if them were a big deal or lasted more than a few seconds I don't think. Then that, then THAT, then all that. And it feels good. It feels relieving and like it went pretty well and it has done some really nice things to my confidence. A couple of doubts seem to have occurred to me but I think that's just late night blues.

Also first proper therapy session today. Interesting. The jaw stuff is getting ridiculous so it was needed. He has some interesting ideas and I really want this to work. Although if it does work and I become more relaxed then I might not be the me I am. Idk it's all a bit wierd.

Also I looked pretty in the mirror just now, in a kind of slightly hedwig showgirl kind of way. I wanna feel pretty and I think it's good to notice when I do. I want to notice my own happiness. I want to find less addictive comfort in the sadness

DAY 44

I am staring at this screen with no idea of what to say so I'm writing about the fact I don't know what to say.

Today has been the wildest sexiest day

I'm not sure I will write the details on here because I don't know who will see this but things happened and I love the cast and I am different in some ways but I feel a bit like I'm made of fire or something

Wow

So many

So many nice things were said to

Your body is beautiful, I'm proud of you, you're my favourite in the cast, you're one of the best actors, you're well endo- you get the picture

DAY 43

Jesus

This is happening.

So much has built up to this moment.

Well not this precise one

 But tomorrow.

Holy shit

DAY 42

Day 42, a number associated with meaningfulness, the state up to now of this blog doesn't bode well for this as a theme. Let's see how we go

The bent figure of a man stumbles across the rusted rock of the arid landscape. He is silhouetted against the similar orange of the sky as he slowly meanders. Zooming in, his outline seems to cower under a burden, like the shell of an ungainly tortoise. Closer still this weight is revelaed to be a thousand staked coffins, tiny and intricate. More a sewn not the fabric of his dusty coat and more still hang of ropes that dangle wearily around his frame. Closer still we see his face. It is a he by the way. The only women left lie in the coffins that bend his frame. His face is dryer than the rocks around him and as pale as the moon. He does not seem to labour under his weight however, for he, the last man on earth is staring down at the screen of an iPhone and filling in an online petition for amnesty international.

I call this piece, white guilt and such

DAY 41

Last night I saw the best piece of theatre I think I've ever seen and I need to start writing and making more shit. Is very important I get that good. I need to become productive and write amazing things. It was called this is the way we die by Christopher Brett bailey and it was like Lou reed, shakespeare, jack white, patti smith, all of arcade fire, Oscar Wilde, William Burroughs and all the kids from that brave new voices show got together ina room with a load of cocaine and fucked eachother. It is very important I do things like good.

Also today was very wierd. Things are sort of happening. Someone is interested in me. Finally. Why don't I feel ecstatic? I feel guilty. This is so wierd and I am stressed and a bit excited but mostly guilty and urghhh and yeah ahhh

This should make up for the missed day

HILARIOUS SPRING AWAKENING EDITS I DID

DAY 39 and 40

Shitting bollocking bugger I forgot a day. I don't know how. It was Halloween yesterday and I planned to do one before I went out but I didn't and oh fuck and now I've got nothing to say cos I feel kind of guilty but I don't know why. Like I'm not living how I should. Like I'm letting myself down and I don't know how. I mean obviously I let myself down regularly but something feels different about it now. Its probably to do with how little work I fell able to do and how the play is my life and ihow I use it to avoid pretty much everything. Anyhoo, I dunno what to do about missing a blog.