Another late night after a hectic day. Quite a good day. College was largely pointless but I bought my first dress and tights today and it made me really happy. Someone said I looked sexy and even though that was Millie who is kind of a child and she wasn't saying it as anything other than a friendly compliment it felt really nice. Lexi said nice things too. It really made me feel like I'm not a male invading a girl world, but a person with a right to be there. Even though I came home with a tinge of sadness cos its one of the very few times I've felt beautiful and attractive and I wanted someone sense to really think that. I wanted to have a someone to share my feeling pretty with
Also we did the reformatory scene and I has to be an aggressive thug who wanks for money. It was someone at odds with the dress. But the masculinity of the scene was confusingly exciting and energising. Not like I'd want to engage with any more about it but there's something oddly satisfying about blundering aggression. Obviously it's not as satisfying as having your eyeliner on point but that was a wierd and interesting feeling I'd never felt before, or not for a long time.
Gender is such a confusing thing and I am conflicted by the fact that it feels like a basis of my identity but I also wish I didn't have to think about it.
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